Monday, November 14, 2011

Monday Afternoon

It's just something to do while I'm waiting to die. I write stuff to pass the time away. Like playing computer card games or solving expert level crossword puzzles in ink. It's a way of giving myself airs. I can go to further extremes than many people because of how obvious it is that I'm either a fool or truly deluded. Why hold back? I only got nothing to lose, and nothing's got plenty of me. It's odd what I find these days in the contemplations of my own past that invokes a sense of shame or regret. Where were these feelings when I needed for them to deter me from behaving so irresponsibly, as if anything could have? When I'm honest with myself, I realize that I am is not in charge of providing insight, only the means by which the vision can be manifested in the specious present. the TV is on behind my computer monitor with the sound muted. I just looked up to see an ideal vision transpire. Some Indian raja was walking along with an umbrella over his shoulder to keep the sun away, and he came to what looked like a concrete paved flat area up against the side of a rocky hill. As he continued along the path went under this huge boulder and behind it was a cave that sported a religious type retreat. The raja went inside to this platform with a sitting lounge on it and took a seat in the lotus position. That's all I saw. I didn't hear the accompanying commentary. I just saw what he had, and I wanted it for myself... momentarily. I hadn't finished writing about it before I knew what I have is much better for me, and if the raja could see of me what I saw of him, he might be envious of me in like kind. You see, I didn't know what I was missing that deprived me of the peace and serenity I so desperately needed to get to where I wanted to be. I know now, and I have this precious object in my possession. Bose Noise-canceling headphones. They are the guru who has changed my life. I might have gone completely insane without them. I actually value them more than the results of my cataract surgery. Well, probably not, but I really like being able to put the earphones on and become one with the Silence. It bothers me that I can see so well these days. I got so used to being blind and having that as an excuse to not perform some obligatory functions that I found distasteful. Now, that's not possible anymore. I still don't do distasteful things, but I feel guilty for lying, even if nobody knows what I can or can't "see" at this age.