I really hate working with fiberglass insulation. I know that when I get through with this project my bedroom will be warmer this winter, but putting the insulation in is a real drag. I'm trying to do this on the cheap as much as I can, so that include using the insulation my brother brought me from a job he was working on a couple of years ago. It's good stuff, but it was designed for installation in a commercial application and so I have to cut it up to fit into my walls. Cutting it into the sizes I need means that I have to deal with the fiberglass directly, and it gets all into my skin, especially my hands.
It's thanksgiving eve. My natal family hasn't contacted me to join the celebration. Usually, they send me an e-mail and tell me where the big show will happen. This year it hasn't happened. I might be upset by this to some degree, but I don't concern myself with it too much. We have not communicated well for the last few years. I seem to be losing what friends I have left and right. There is no blame in this. I'm not exactly the most cordial person in the world. I think I have done as much or more to maintain my part of taking care of my mother, but I haven't for a while now. It would take another ten years of commitment from my brothers and sisters to catch up with the time I've contributed toward this effort, but I feel resentment frome them now that I have insisted they do their part. That's life.
Today a woman on the NDE discussion group I participate in sent a post with a good bit of information on Swedenborg. I've read one of his books and lots of websites about this man. He reminds me of myself in a lot of ways. Not that my life is anywhere near as significant as his, but it's the personal things that I feel empathy with. When one commits themselves to living the life of spiritual curiosity much disbelief in what one is trying to accomplish is found lacking. People get up and go to work everyday and deal with spirtuality when they can arrange it and hope for the best. There is no blame in this. They do what they can. Mostly it amounts to reading books and discussing things with others occasionally. They don't understand that they have to put their lives on the line. I'm not sure why I have, I just always have. It's very costly as far as the other is concerned. People don't understand that taking a stand against the religious training they had as a child is not enough. In my case, it has to do with lying. Almost everyday I find some other aspect of where I have lied to myself. It would be a lot easier to just live the lie. I have to force myself to confront these lies. I don't really like to do it, but I do.
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
Things have been fairly sedate around here lately. I worked on the remodeling project a little. Since I'm not time-constrained like working people I get up and move when I wanna, and if I don't want to move I dunna. Strange weather we've been having here. We haven't had even a light frost yet. Yesterday it was in the seventies.
I wrote some pretty revealing stuff about myself on one of the discussion groups I participate in. One of the responses I got after a little discussion of what I wrote was, "I'm amazed at your honesty!" I've heard this a lot, and yet I don't feel as if I'm as honest as I need to be. I'm honest about what I want to be, and if I don't want to be honest about a particular topic I simply don't write about it.
One of the more difficult challenges I've had in my life is about lying. Usually my lying is not malicious. I exaggerate mostly, and the lies are to myself. I have a tendency to build myself up in my own eyes. It probably has to do with self importance. I've heard other people say that if you don't treat yourself as important, how can you expect anyone else to. I have a problem with that. My efforts to get other people to think I'm important has been the basis for much of the heartache I've felt in my life. Carlos Castenada stated in one of his books that the need for self importance is the biggest deterrent to spiritual development a person can encounter. I didn't pay that much attention to this statement when I read this in his book. My youngest brother did and brought this statement to my attention. We have discussed this concept a lot over the years, and I have accepted that the statement contains a lot of truth to it. It seems congruent with the extended research I have done on the concept of modesty. One of the most revealing descriptions I have encountered about modesty came from Alexander Pope. I've never read Pope's stuff to any extent, but the one statement about modesty has stuck with me for a long time. He wrote, "Modesty is the art of power."
When I lie, and especially when I lie to myself, it's one of the most immodest things I can do. It certainly does emerge as an abuse of power. Because when I lie to myself about anything, the response to such an act reduces my power to move mountains.
I wrote some pretty revealing stuff about myself on one of the discussion groups I participate in. One of the responses I got after a little discussion of what I wrote was, "I'm amazed at your honesty!" I've heard this a lot, and yet I don't feel as if I'm as honest as I need to be. I'm honest about what I want to be, and if I don't want to be honest about a particular topic I simply don't write about it.
One of the more difficult challenges I've had in my life is about lying. Usually my lying is not malicious. I exaggerate mostly, and the lies are to myself. I have a tendency to build myself up in my own eyes. It probably has to do with self importance. I've heard other people say that if you don't treat yourself as important, how can you expect anyone else to. I have a problem with that. My efforts to get other people to think I'm important has been the basis for much of the heartache I've felt in my life. Carlos Castenada stated in one of his books that the need for self importance is the biggest deterrent to spiritual development a person can encounter. I didn't pay that much attention to this statement when I read this in his book. My youngest brother did and brought this statement to my attention. We have discussed this concept a lot over the years, and I have accepted that the statement contains a lot of truth to it. It seems congruent with the extended research I have done on the concept of modesty. One of the most revealing descriptions I have encountered about modesty came from Alexander Pope. I've never read Pope's stuff to any extent, but the one statement about modesty has stuck with me for a long time. He wrote, "Modesty is the art of power."
When I lie, and especially when I lie to myself, it's one of the most immodest things I can do. It certainly does emerge as an abuse of power. Because when I lie to myself about anything, the response to such an act reduces my power to move mountains.
