There are some settings I don't know how to change to get Feedburner to work on this site, so I'm changing over to a new one where is does work. At the bottom of the page of Apple Pan Dowdy there's a dialog you can use to do an RSS subscription to let you know there's a new entry. Here's the new site"
http://applepandowdy.blogspot.com/
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Allone
I get disgusted with myself sometime because I seem so selfish. I've spent so much time alone there is not a lot about my life that I shared with many people. They just weren't there the same time I was.
There has been a stream of people through my life at different times. I was married with children for all too brief a spell. We were together when we were together and that was a long time ago. I seem to meet people explosively and part from them explosively. After we're not together anymore, we're practically never together again.
I hitch-hiked around North America for 7-8 years off and on. Sometime for weeks or months and sometime years at a time. Hardly ever stopping and never for long. Three days before. Three days after. I worked around the country as a pipewelder and pipefitter for twenty old years.
I was attracted to working what's called "time jobs". Lots of overtime money. Twelve or more hours a day, seven days a week. Shutdowns. I worked on a lot of chemical plants. Petroleum plants. Pulp mill plants. Mostly new work. I didn't like going to those places after they operated for a while. I was only there to make money.
I didn't travel with groups. It would probably have been better if I had, but I didn't do this kind of work because it was my only option. It was just a way to make enough money to not have to work for a while. Construction trash. A bunch of drunks, ex-cons, and ne'er-do-wells. Irish travelers. Because I didn't travel with a group I was usually one of the first ones to leave after we'd worked ourselves out of a job. We did work. We had some pride. No union. Just wit, grit, and the ability to pass a 6G test standing on our heads.
Pipewelding for a living depends on that one thing. You have to pass a welding test on every job you go on. Even if its with the same company. There are usually so few people who can pass those welding tests, that if you can, you don't have to kiss nobody's ass. It's a two-edged sword though. If you fail a welding test it's hard on yo' nerves. Not nearly as hard as the iron worker has it if he fails his test of courage. Now, that there is a hard row to hoe. One misstep and... splat!
The money boys need your skills to build those industrial sites so the investors can make a profit on their money. If they piss too many of the skilled craftsmen off the job shuts down, and they gone be hell to pay for the sycophants wearing them ice cream clothes. I stumbled into welding by accident, but it sho' wuz a lesson unto me.
The point I make about working construction is that I wasn't around the same people very often. As a single-handed welder I might work four or five jobs a year in completely different parts of the country without running into the same people more than once or twice coincidentally. When I claim that nobody knows, I'm more often right than wrong. I have literally lived my life like a stranger in a strange land, but it wasn't necessarily my own decision a lot of the time.
I'm perfectly aware that it's my ability, even my strong desire to be alone that makes me seem curious to a lot of people. People don't seem to understand why I don't appear to need them like they seem to need other people. I don't know why they feel incomplete. I studied acting for years. It was my major in college. There might be times I act like I need people if that suits my purposes. That seems to be what people expect. It's when I walk away from them without what they consider the proper rituals and ceremonies that they become suspicious I might not be as needy as them.
It's not really to get away from people that i withdraw. I like people just fine. I withdraw to attend to stuff I can't attend to if I allow people's neediness to distract me. They can't know when they're screwing it up for me when they insist I calm their deep fears and breath occasionally. The fact that i scare the hell outta myself every once in a while by feigning death. It's not my intention to feign death, it's just that to get when I intend I really can't pay that much attention to decorum for the sake of the other.
Have you ever noticed when you suddenly realized that you've been fascinated by some spectacular sight the likes of which you've never perceived in yo' life, and when you do, you have to take a huge breath because while in your state of awe you forgot to breathe? I take this to extremes at times. I think I get more fascinated by the ways of the world than some others, and that seems to worry them to no good end. Sometime, I do know you're 'coming and I do bake a cake. Well... sorta.
I kind of think what I do is pretty mundane stuff. Especially in the very recent past during the time I read Sartre. One type of consciousness is the mundane kind that's merely awareness such that each species has adopted or adapted for their own specific needs. The other type of consciousness is special to homo sapiens. Sartre (at least his English translation) states that is type of consciousness is a thetic or theoretical sort of abstracted consciousness. The trick about having two types of consciousness is that you can't have one without the other, and it's a mighty temptation for homo sapiens to think they can, and desire it mightily. Might make right! Right?
I don't withdraw into myself to pursue altered states of theoretical consciousness. Some people might. How the hell would I know? How can I project my intuitions into theories? I can project my theoretical imaginings upon the other in order to see a mirror image of what I theorize about my own possibles, but i can't follow them back into the inner recesses of the rabbit holes via intuition? It takes a theoretical consciousness to do that, but nobody has to retreat into themselves to discover those mysteries.
I pursue altered states as a method of withdrawal from the temptations of the sensory domain. It's not easy to get started. One has to abandon their rules of conscience to even have a chance. For many, if not most people, They adopt their rules of conscience to get ahead, that's why it seems so odd to discover they already have a head, and there is no need to seek one. "Just leave them alone, and they'll come home, wagging their tails behind them."
I used the rules of conscience I adopted to shape my life to be-co-me with a former state of being. I was literally attempting to become something I am is not. I am is what it is, but it's not what it is not, too. It's okay to knot be what I am is sometime. As a matter of fact, I am not what I am is quite often, and I'm getting to like it more and more. Granted, being what I am is not seems a little scary at times, but I am is because it thinks, and thinking is a circle game, created for it's earthly aims. I am is me, and that's All there is to IT. '-)
There has been a stream of people through my life at different times. I was married with children for all too brief a spell. We were together when we were together and that was a long time ago. I seem to meet people explosively and part from them explosively. After we're not together anymore, we're practically never together again.
I hitch-hiked around North America for 7-8 years off and on. Sometime for weeks or months and sometime years at a time. Hardly ever stopping and never for long. Three days before. Three days after. I worked around the country as a pipewelder and pipefitter for twenty old years.
I was attracted to working what's called "time jobs". Lots of overtime money. Twelve or more hours a day, seven days a week. Shutdowns. I worked on a lot of chemical plants. Petroleum plants. Pulp mill plants. Mostly new work. I didn't like going to those places after they operated for a while. I was only there to make money.
I didn't travel with groups. It would probably have been better if I had, but I didn't do this kind of work because it was my only option. It was just a way to make enough money to not have to work for a while. Construction trash. A bunch of drunks, ex-cons, and ne'er-do-wells. Irish travelers. Because I didn't travel with a group I was usually one of the first ones to leave after we'd worked ourselves out of a job. We did work. We had some pride. No union. Just wit, grit, and the ability to pass a 6G test standing on our heads.
Pipewelding for a living depends on that one thing. You have to pass a welding test on every job you go on. Even if its with the same company. There are usually so few people who can pass those welding tests, that if you can, you don't have to kiss nobody's ass. It's a two-edged sword though. If you fail a welding test it's hard on yo' nerves. Not nearly as hard as the iron worker has it if he fails his test of courage. Now, that there is a hard row to hoe. One misstep and... splat!
The money boys need your skills to build those industrial sites so the investors can make a profit on their money. If they piss too many of the skilled craftsmen off the job shuts down, and they gone be hell to pay for the sycophants wearing them ice cream clothes. I stumbled into welding by accident, but it sho' wuz a lesson unto me.
The point I make about working construction is that I wasn't around the same people very often. As a single-handed welder I might work four or five jobs a year in completely different parts of the country without running into the same people more than once or twice coincidentally. When I claim that nobody knows, I'm more often right than wrong. I have literally lived my life like a stranger in a strange land, but it wasn't necessarily my own decision a lot of the time.
I'm perfectly aware that it's my ability, even my strong desire to be alone that makes me seem curious to a lot of people. People don't seem to understand why I don't appear to need them like they seem to need other people. I don't know why they feel incomplete. I studied acting for years. It was my major in college. There might be times I act like I need people if that suits my purposes. That seems to be what people expect. It's when I walk away from them without what they consider the proper rituals and ceremonies that they become suspicious I might not be as needy as them.
It's not really to get away from people that i withdraw. I like people just fine. I withdraw to attend to stuff I can't attend to if I allow people's neediness to distract me. They can't know when they're screwing it up for me when they insist I calm their deep fears and breath occasionally. The fact that i scare the hell outta myself every once in a while by feigning death. It's not my intention to feign death, it's just that to get when I intend I really can't pay that much attention to decorum for the sake of the other.
Have you ever noticed when you suddenly realized that you've been fascinated by some spectacular sight the likes of which you've never perceived in yo' life, and when you do, you have to take a huge breath because while in your state of awe you forgot to breathe? I take this to extremes at times. I think I get more fascinated by the ways of the world than some others, and that seems to worry them to no good end. Sometime, I do know you're 'coming and I do bake a cake. Well... sorta.
I kind of think what I do is pretty mundane stuff. Especially in the very recent past during the time I read Sartre. One type of consciousness is the mundane kind that's merely awareness such that each species has adopted or adapted for their own specific needs. The other type of consciousness is special to homo sapiens. Sartre (at least his English translation) states that is type of consciousness is a thetic or theoretical sort of abstracted consciousness. The trick about having two types of consciousness is that you can't have one without the other, and it's a mighty temptation for homo sapiens to think they can, and desire it mightily. Might make right! Right?
I don't withdraw into myself to pursue altered states of theoretical consciousness. Some people might. How the hell would I know? How can I project my intuitions into theories? I can project my theoretical imaginings upon the other in order to see a mirror image of what I theorize about my own possibles, but i can't follow them back into the inner recesses of the rabbit holes via intuition? It takes a theoretical consciousness to do that, but nobody has to retreat into themselves to discover those mysteries.
I pursue altered states as a method of withdrawal from the temptations of the sensory domain. It's not easy to get started. One has to abandon their rules of conscience to even have a chance. For many, if not most people, They adopt their rules of conscience to get ahead, that's why it seems so odd to discover they already have a head, and there is no need to seek one. "Just leave them alone, and they'll come home, wagging their tails behind them."
I used the rules of conscience I adopted to shape my life to be-co-me with a former state of being. I was literally attempting to become something I am is not. I am is what it is, but it's not what it is not, too. It's okay to knot be what I am is sometime. As a matter of fact, I am not what I am is quite often, and I'm getting to like it more and more. Granted, being what I am is not seems a little scary at times, but I am is because it thinks, and thinking is a circle game, created for it's earthly aims. I am is me, and that's All there is to IT. '-)
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
The Pale Horse
I used to be a dancing fool, and then I got mixed up with the wrong people. I married a woman who was raised by Fundamentalists who thought dancing was a sin, and that got in my way for a while. Before her, I literally didn't realize their were heathen like that. They were against everything I ever wanted to explore. Then, I "tuned in, turned on, and dropped out", and dancing found it's way back into my life, and all was love and kisses for a while, until I rode tha pale horse one time too many and it taught me I better find a path with heart if I wanted what i came for before the chance was gone.
The only thing I seem to have really practiced in this body since I've had it has been to find out all the possible ways to abandon it at the first appearance of the light. Sure, I've remembered what's what after I had to let it go temporarily while i was bartering for this particular body, but it's easy to get distracted with illusion and all the fascinating mannerisms that intrigue the other into offering enticements to stick around.
Pale horse? I guess it might be easy for some to guess I've been reading about the four horsemen of the apocalypse. I never have studied the mythology behind this too much. I'm thinking maybe I will. I know I'm intrigued by the very notion of reading about "a pale horse" ridden by a pale green rider the colour of death. Mostly as a descriptor. If I haven't been intrigued to the point of even a low-level research into the possible me-and-thee-ing (meaning) of "a pale horse" with a "pale-as-death rider", then if I use these terms as descriptors because they fascinated me without going to the trouble to find out why, then there is a good chance most of my readers won't go to that trouble either, so that's why I'd better do it, just in case they get a hair up their ass, and do look it up..
Besides, there are those other colored horses that can also be a source of intrigue. The "black horse". The "red horse" (anybody with a right hemisphere just knows this has got to get Martian), and the "white horse". You have studied The Tibetan Book Of The Dead, have you not? Same symbols. Same colours. Sa-me me-and-thee-ing. It's the story of Everyman all over again, about the Hero Of A Thousand Faces. That's all anybody really kneads to gnow whether they know it or not.
I like to sit here and make up a bunch of lies to amuse myself. Time flies. There's nothing else to do. I've never denied myself too many opportunities no matter what it cost me. It's cost me plenty. But still, I realize that if I don't get up and move my body occasionally it will cause me more problems than I really wanna deal with because eventually it'll force me back to begging. "There's no fool like an old fool."
That's why I'm enjoying the drum machine on my digital keyboard. Presently, I've got #018 16BeatUpTempo kicking it out over and over and over again. I just love that about digital computations. It's been playing in the background for at least two hours without the slightest variation. Two hours that I don't even remember because everything was sonically the sa-me. Why would I? The tie-to-me (time) went flying, leaving the body here to create non-sense to cover it's tracks.
Dancing to the rhythms provided by the drum machine brings me back down to Earth. It provides me with some aerobic exercise. It changes my mind to include my physical body and all it's aches and pains. I don't have to stay here. But, when I'm there, I get lonely for it. I may have to get another body soon. The nostalgia I've developed for this one is a great weakness I intend to over-co-me. Soon.
The only thing I seem to have really practiced in this body since I've had it has been to find out all the possible ways to abandon it at the first appearance of the light. Sure, I've remembered what's what after I had to let it go temporarily while i was bartering for this particular body, but it's easy to get distracted with illusion and all the fascinating mannerisms that intrigue the other into offering enticements to stick around.
Pale horse? I guess it might be easy for some to guess I've been reading about the four horsemen of the apocalypse. I never have studied the mythology behind this too much. I'm thinking maybe I will. I know I'm intrigued by the very notion of reading about "a pale horse" ridden by a pale green rider the colour of death. Mostly as a descriptor. If I haven't been intrigued to the point of even a low-level research into the possible me-and-thee-ing (meaning) of "a pale horse" with a "pale-as-death rider", then if I use these terms as descriptors because they fascinated me without going to the trouble to find out why, then there is a good chance most of my readers won't go to that trouble either, so that's why I'd better do it, just in case they get a hair up their ass, and do look it up..
Besides, there are those other colored horses that can also be a source of intrigue. The "black horse". The "red horse" (anybody with a right hemisphere just knows this has got to get Martian), and the "white horse". You have studied The Tibetan Book Of The Dead, have you not? Same symbols. Same colours. Sa-me me-and-thee-ing. It's the story of Everyman all over again, about the Hero Of A Thousand Faces. That's all anybody really kneads to gnow whether they know it or not.
I like to sit here and make up a bunch of lies to amuse myself. Time flies. There's nothing else to do. I've never denied myself too many opportunities no matter what it cost me. It's cost me plenty. But still, I realize that if I don't get up and move my body occasionally it will cause me more problems than I really wanna deal with because eventually it'll force me back to begging. "There's no fool like an old fool."
That's why I'm enjoying the drum machine on my digital keyboard. Presently, I've got #018 16BeatUpTempo kicking it out over and over and over again. I just love that about digital computations. It's been playing in the background for at least two hours without the slightest variation. Two hours that I don't even remember because everything was sonically the sa-me. Why would I? The tie-to-me (time) went flying, leaving the body here to create non-sense to cover it's tracks.
Dancing to the rhythms provided by the drum machine brings me back down to Earth. It provides me with some aerobic exercise. It changes my mind to include my physical body and all it's aches and pains. I don't have to stay here. But, when I'm there, I get lonely for it. I may have to get another body soon. The nostalgia I've developed for this one is a great weakness I intend to over-co-me. Soon.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Either On Earth Or In Heaven
Some people take it that I'm addressing them personally because that's what they need from me. Why else would they read my shit? It's not true, and they don't care anyway. Why would they bother? I don't know what the truth is. I don't rightly care. To me it's a subjective affair at best, and only disturbing to think otherwise. I don't need/knead yo' blessing or consider your disdain a curse.
#020 JazzRock
Have you ever notice that about yo'self? That you feel misunderstood, and yet at the same time you of all people specifically know everything there is to know. If you know everything there is to know, then one of the things you must know is that everybody knows everything just like you, and for that reason alone, it's not possible that you could be misunderstood. Maybe the only problem you actually have is that there is nothing for a problem solver like you to figure out. It's all kismet, man, fatalism rules!
What's understood on the "everybody knows" level is not transposable to the "nobody knows" level of understanding. A chess grandmaster can't automagically scrub up, man the scalpels and do brain surgery as if it were just a chess game. Contrarily, the brain surgeon might get emasculated big time in a Washington Square chess match for $10 a throw. Expertise don't change it's stripes or spots for love nor money.
Practically every wisdom book ever taken seriously for any enduring amount of time at all speaks of unity of some described sort being the goal of all endeavors. Sartre writes about homo sapiens being possessed of two types of consciousness', the thetic and non-thetic. Whether that's the same as saying theistic and atheistic is a moot point for some.
The ancient Coptic translations of the Gospel of Thomas persistently states that to enter the Kingdom of Heaven a person must "make the two into One". Atonement seems to mean a lot in many different disciplines. I've studied a lotta mostly unapproved systems for bringing unity about, but I don't think the main chance is about systems of expertise.
Homo sapiens became masters of the known world a long time before they invented writing and the more abstract systems of dividing and conquering. Why does that have to be an ongoing process? Why can't the rich just get rich and stay that way? Why doesn't money make people as happy as they dream it will?
I don't hear too many people saying that power would make them happy, so what's the difference in thinking that money will make you happy. Money makes you powerful. Power makes you happy because it brings you money? Money and power are possible. At least for a while. For some, the only goal worth pursuing is immortality. You can be forgiven for desiring money or power. Everybody understands why you might want that, but not immortality?
44 Jesus said, "Whoever blasphemes against the Father will be forgiven, and whoever blasphemes against the son will be forgiven, but whoever blasphemes against the holy spirit will not be forgiven, either on earth or in heaven."
http://users.misericordia.edu//davies/thomas/Trans.htm
#020 JazzRock
Have you ever notice that about yo'self? That you feel misunderstood, and yet at the same time you of all people specifically know everything there is to know. If you know everything there is to know, then one of the things you must know is that everybody knows everything just like you, and for that reason alone, it's not possible that you could be misunderstood. Maybe the only problem you actually have is that there is nothing for a problem solver like you to figure out. It's all kismet, man, fatalism rules!
What's understood on the "everybody knows" level is not transposable to the "nobody knows" level of understanding. A chess grandmaster can't automagically scrub up, man the scalpels and do brain surgery as if it were just a chess game. Contrarily, the brain surgeon might get emasculated big time in a Washington Square chess match for $10 a throw. Expertise don't change it's stripes or spots for love nor money.
Practically every wisdom book ever taken seriously for any enduring amount of time at all speaks of unity of some described sort being the goal of all endeavors. Sartre writes about homo sapiens being possessed of two types of consciousness', the thetic and non-thetic. Whether that's the same as saying theistic and atheistic is a moot point for some.
The ancient Coptic translations of the Gospel of Thomas persistently states that to enter the Kingdom of Heaven a person must "make the two into One". Atonement seems to mean a lot in many different disciplines. I've studied a lotta mostly unapproved systems for bringing unity about, but I don't think the main chance is about systems of expertise.
Homo sapiens became masters of the known world a long time before they invented writing and the more abstract systems of dividing and conquering. Why does that have to be an ongoing process? Why can't the rich just get rich and stay that way? Why doesn't money make people as happy as they dream it will?
I don't hear too many people saying that power would make them happy, so what's the difference in thinking that money will make you happy. Money makes you powerful. Power makes you happy because it brings you money? Money and power are possible. At least for a while. For some, the only goal worth pursuing is immortality. You can be forgiven for desiring money or power. Everybody understands why you might want that, but not immortality?
44 Jesus said, "Whoever blasphemes against the Father will be forgiven, and whoever blasphemes against the son will be forgiven, but whoever blasphemes against the holy spirit will not be forgiven, either on earth or in heaven."
http://users.misericordia.edu//davies/thomas/Trans.htm